From the Archives: 10 Years of Blogging
This post was originally published on December 31, 2019.
I can’t forego an annual blog post, especially considering the weight of the time and date. Though I missed its true anniversary in April, 2019 actually marked 10 years of Note to Self. I’d say sorry that the production value has lagged over the past few years, but that’s life. Priorities do and should constantly change. It doesn’t mean I love this platform any less. After all, it changed my life. :)
In 2009 when I started this thing, I was going stir-crazy in a small town in Virginia. I was pretending to live a kind of life I wasn’t actually all that interested in having. And then I got into SCAD, signed my life away to student loans, and I moved to Savannah for 3 years. It was a decision made in desperation (I don’t normally recommend that strategy) that fortunately put my feet on a path I never knew I could be on.
In 2012, I started work at Ralph Lauren, which was bootcamp for the corporate world as well as web design and art direction. I learned a lot in almost 6 years—about leadership, mentorship, professionalism, accountability, structure, support, and technical process. I carry that education with me everywhere. The past year and a half has been its own challenge, tasked with doing similar quality work with a comparatively tiny level of support and resources. That’s not a complaint, mind you, but rather a celebration of the adaptability badge of honor that I have earned. At this point, I feel like I can do anything.
Of course, there’s a whole life outside of work with hard things and learnings to be had there, too. Living has a learning curve. To be honest, I wish my extracurricular experience could be even more full, and if anything, that’s what I intend to continue to work on for the next decade. More travel. More reaching out. More embracing good things. With that in mind, here's a bit of an ultimate Note to Self, featuring big lessons from the last 10 years that have helped make me a semi-functional human. (Do with this what you will, this will not apply to everyone. These are my notes, after all...)
LEAD WITH EMPATHY.
This is the exact opposite approach to the (in my opinion) hypocritical albeit popular call to “cut all the toxic people out of your life.” Bear with me on this, because at some point: we have all acted like a “toxic” person.
At Ralph Lauren, my entire team (38+ people) did an emotional intelligence workshop once a quarter. The very first thought exercise was: “Imagine you’re driving down the road and all of a sudden, a taxi comes up quickly behind you, cuts around you, and speeds off again. What’s your first thought?” Some people said instinctively: “they’re a jerk,” “they’re dangerous,” “they shouldn’t be on the road.” My mind went a creative route: “Maybe there’s someone hurt or a woman having a baby in the back seat and the driver’s trying to get to help.” The teacher said, “Exactly. We don’t know what’s happening inside just from looking at what the taxi is doing from the outside.” Yes, people can be assholes, myself most certainly included—maybe that’s how I knew to speculate that there is more to that taxi than meets the eye.
Coworkers can be unproductively, frustratingly hard on you. People get coated in their own stress and in turn try to wipe that sticky emotion on you. Others complain incessantly because it’s the only thing they know how to do to cope in that moment (it’s the freeze portion of fight or flight). Some of us have to unlearn terrible emotional coping mechanisms (ahem). A friend or family member can lash out about something that doesn’t actually matter, leaving us hurt and confused. You might be tempted to say, “they’re toxic!” and write them off, but I personally think this hurts both parties. If we care about the person at all (or in the case of a boss, if we’re stuck with them) we know that these behaviors don’t come out of nowhere. Leading with empathy means taking a step back and recognizing that the person is not, in fact, inherently evil, but may be in emotional panic mode. I’m not saying you have to absorb these negative emotions, but if you have any desire (or again, in the case of the boss, need) to manage the relationship, you must mentally meet people at an understanding that they might just be going through it.
It’s not your job to fix the situation, but you can change how you perceive other people’s behavior. It will help restore your faith in humanity without feeling “that person ruined my day,” or going to the extreme of “purging” people from your life (doesn’t that sound so violent?). The alternative is that we’d be left with no one to be around, and who wants that? We are all allowed to have bad days, and certainly no one owes you perpetual 100% good behavior, right? Emotionally or physically abusive? Absolutely: let them chase pavement. But when it comes to those who are clearly submerged in a period of struggle, if you have the ability—lead with empathy. I myself am constantly trying.
DON’T KEEP SCORE.
As a 30-something, this decade has sometimes felt like a race to “level up” as an adult (house, spouse, procreation, whatever). The pressure is so incredibly unnecessary and short-sighted. Anyone who has dealt with any kind of trauma can tell you: life can change in a split second. No amount of imagined benchmark hitting will fix or mediate those horrible moments. What does help in traumatic situations is strength of self and a support system, and what makes you strong and how your support system looks can be completely different from that of anyone else. Your strength is enough.
I don’t know how many other ways to say this, but no one has to follow anyone else’s roadmap for their life. There is no competition. There is no master scoreboard. There is no race to the finish line. What your friend is doing, what your cousin is doing, what your coworker is doing with their life has no bearing on your own personal route. Likewise their path is none of your business outside of deserving your unbiased support. Your journey is enough.
Now, if someone starts in on a conversation questioning your “status” in life (“are you dating anyone?” “Are you having kids soon?” “Are you thinking of buying a house?”) you could, theoretically, tell them to take their projection and piss off. You can also shift the conversation to talk about how you actually are instead. Your life prioritizes different things, and it is probably built on different foundations, and it’s important to focus instead on the proud work you’ve done. Your foundations (however a work in progress) are enough.
PULL PEOPLE UP.
Speaking as a general rule of thumb: you will very, very rarely regret helping someone else. At work, always say thank you. Always call out good work, a good effort, a good attitude. And in life, always say thank you. Always call out an accomplishment, however small. This can be a game-changer in what might be a very hard moment for someone else. It can mean the world and it can take half a second to do. I am endlessly thankful for the mentors who have pulled me up the mental ladder, be it my boss or my trainer or whoever, them simply saying, “you tried and it matters,” is everything.
ASK FOR HELP.
I know firsthand that the healthcare system in America is seriously flawed and the options are limited, so take this with a grain of salt depending on your situation. I had my fair share of weird health scares over the past 10 years. In 2014, my right leg started going numb when I laid down at night. Many scans and a zapping neurological test later, it turned out to be nerve damage caused by weight gain. (That’s the year I joined my gym. It doesn’t go numb anymore.)
A few months ago, after 5 years of working out and eating well and not seeing much in the way of results, I finally followed through on my GP’s optional referral to an endocrinologist. She has changed my life. With her help, I found out I have Hashimoto's, a very common autoimmune thyroid disorder. I also learned that I have the metabolism better than 92% of people my size and age, and because I work out, I burn an astronomical amount of calories and yet I continued to gain weight because of hormonal imbalances. With the help of new medication, we’re working on it, and I’m already seeing helpful changes.
I’ve learned more about my body in the past year than any other. It’s scary, but I’m glad I took the leap to ask for help from a professional (not Goop or a misguided health nut coworker). If you are hitting a wall, it’s worth doing more research with the right resources.
EXERCISE!
For the record, I think exercise is a terrible New Years resolution. I think it’s something that has to be incorporated into your life permanently, and treating it like a temporary goal is, in my opinion, unhelpful. My mental shift on exercise is years in the making. It’s taken so long to undo gym class trauma, and a general feeling of inability due to size, genetic makeup or lack of knowledge. I also had it in my mind (like all anxiety-ridden people) that everyone was watching me, laughing at me, whatever. And once I got past that (asking myself, “who cares if they are?!”) I started trying new things. Then I had to do the hard work of making it a habit.
How do you make exercise a habit? It’s not easy. But to bluntly borrow from a certain brand’s mantra: just do it. Motivation is not required. Why ask yourself if you “feel” like going to the gym when you know the answer will be “no” 9 times out of 10? Don’t ask the question, just put the outfit on, tie your shoes, walk out the door. Go for a walk, weed a flowerbed, go to a gym, get on a machine or walk into class and just start moving. Your body knows the way forward, and your brain will never regret going when it’s over.
DRINK MORE WATER.
Oh yes, this actually is important. Both my trainer and my endocrinologist adamantly advocate for drinking at minimum half your bodyweight in ounces of water a day. So if you weigh 150 pounds, you should be drinking at least 75 ounces of water, but aim for more. It helps your skin, keeps you fuller, helps with digestion, lowers blood pressure, helps keep joints healthy, and (most importantly if you’re working out) is essential for building muscle mass. It sucks at first but eventually, your body will adapt and you won’t be peeing every 20 minutes. Trust me.
MEDITATE—IN WHATEVER WAY WORKS FOR YOU.
Hopefully we've all outgrown this decade's obsession with "hustle." We need breaks. "Busy” is a bad word, and overworking is not a badge of honor. If anything, it's a sign you're not taking a healthy approach to your job. (As someone who spent her first 5 years of living in NYC working full-time and coming home to do 4 more hours of freelance work every night, I speak from experience.) Most importantly: you have to find time for your brain to chillax if only for your long-term sanity, but certainly if you want to be productive when you are working.
Now, as someone with an overactive, often anxious mind, I am not so great at sitting in silence while someone whispers mantras in my ear. Yoga? Not for me. But I have found different ways to achieve calm and focus—activities that I now make sure are part of my weekly routine, especially when I’m going through it:
Reading books and listening to podcasts. Specifically, I’m into My Favorite Murder, a true crime podcast that doubles as mental health talk therapy for the hosts. They got me into Tara Brach, whose episodes are akin to taking a class on the inner-workings of our brains. I take notes! And as for favorite books this year? Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Bad Blood, Educated: A Memoir, The Woman In the Window, Circe, Underground Railroad, A Little Life, and Ask Again, Yes.
Cardio. I get on the elliptical and can completely zone out. Obviously this is not for everyone, but physical activity in general is helpful for your brain, right? If you need a gym playlist, I've got you covered.
Cooking. Hands-on activity is such an easy way to zen out, and yet I completely forget this sometimes. I have always loved painting, crafting, wrapping presents, and to apply that same skillset productively, cooking is no different. There is a set of instructions, lots of focused work and a big payoff. Plus, I save a ton of money on delivery and eating out. Favorite cookbooks of the year: Milk Street Tuesday Nights, Nothing Fancy, and Thug Kitchen (vegan!).
Phew. If you actually read all of that, I’m impressed. I mostly write these things as reminders to myself for future. But if you’re here, I hope these meandering thoughts are a resource for you, too. We are all perfectly imperfect, and I need that reminder sometimes. Life is not a race to fix everything, it's a process. Happy thoughts.
I think next year will be filled with big changes and (even more) growth. Stay tuned for updates—you know where to find me.
Happy New Year/Decade!